POTC: And the Curse of the Pink Freeze Pop
by YourLipsMyBiggestWeakness
Summary: Maria and her best friends had no intention of being sucked into their favorite movie. But when they do become trapped in Pirates of the Caribbean by way of an explosion of pink icy goodness, crazy things happen!
1. Of Delicious Freeze Pops

Chapter One: Of Really Good Freeze Pops

* * *

Maria: 5'5 with wavy dark brown hair that has dark purple streaks, chocolate eyes, and a mega tan! Age 17. Likes both Jack and Will, doesnt favor either one particularly much right now.

Rachel: 5'3 Brown hair with lighter blonde highlights, pink and teal braces, and brown eyes. Also has a blinding tan. Age 16. Loves Jack! Thinks he's a genius and has nice muscles. (she has that crazy fangirl look in her eye A LOT)

Jane: 5'4 with short, brown hair in a bob, braces as well, and brown eyes. Pale, and not as suntanned as we are. She takes this offensively. Age 16. She acts like she hates POTC but secretly loves it.

* * *

"Blue is sooo much better then pink." Maria declared, plopping onto the couch with her blue super-huge super-long freeze pop. Her mom had just come back from grocery shopping and Maria and her two best friends Rachel and Jane had quickly raided the bags and left the raw meat to spoil while inhaling all the other food. They had finally left the kitchen with awesome freeze pops. Rachel with green, Jane with pink, and Maria ,of course, with blue.

"Uh no, my amigo, Pink is better, in so many different ways." Jane responded chucking a pillow at Maria's head and accidentally hitting Rachel instead. Rachel's freeze pop smashed against her face, rather unattractively.

"You, my friend, belong in the Pink freeze pop loony bin. You are obviously losing it." Maria advised. Rachel stood fuming with green freeze pop smeared all over her face, and an angry, yet confused puppy dog expression.

"Who threw the pillow and why? WHY?! You made me spill!" Maria threw her friend a look like 'you, darling, are losin' it too' and pointed at Jane. "She did!"

Jane, on the other hand, was still rambling off reasons that pink freeze pops were better. She was not expecting the pillow that slammed into the side of her skull and sent her frozen ice water flyin'. It hit the wall, creating a large pink stain, and then began dripping out of the plastic wrapper and onto the awaiting DVD remote.

"Oh Son of A Muffin Man!" Jane hit the ground, and Maria dashed for the remote. Rachel watched the madness with a look of maniacal happiness in her eye, and now that she had gotten her revenge, continued eating what was left of her freeze pop.

"Jane, your frickin' pink freeze pop thingy completely drenched my remote! You ugly fart head!" Maria whined, holding up the remote between her pointer finger and her thumb. "Now it will be sticky for the rest of eternity!"

"Ugly fart head? How mature! Meanwhile I'm being molested by a huge couch pillow!" Jane muttered. Her head was being crushed by the overstuffed object. Rachel laughed at the two of them, and flopped on the couch, kicking Jane "accidentally" as she flopped.

"I know that was you Rachel." Jane did not sound happy. Maria rolled her eyes and grabbed a napkin from the kitchen table, wiping off the pink drops on the remote.

"Can we please do something fun now?" She begged picking up her abandoned blue freeze pop and helping Jane get the huge pillow off her head. Yes, it was REALLY that big! "How 'bout watchin' Pirates of the Caribbean! My fave movie EVER!"

"Cool. Whatever. I don't care!" Jane, who always acted like she hated the piratey movies, but secretly adored them, agreed. Rachel nodded eagerly, this time a psycho fangirl look in her eye, and Maria wished she hadn't let Rachel eat a freeze pop. Those things did nothing for her ADHD. Nevertheless, she popped the movie in and after settling back on the couch with her friends on either side of her, she grabbed to remote and immediately pressed the menu button. Previews sucked! Period.

"Everyone movie ready?" Rachel asked excitedly waiting for Maria's finger to press the "Play" button. "You know what, scratch that! I say we're ready!" And she jammed Maria's finger that was poised over it down onto the button.

"What the hell!?"

"My eyes! Oh the BURN!"

"Damn. There goes my freeze pop!"

A Pink flash lit up the room like lightning as the couch suddenly rocked back in forth, and the room began to spin. Maria's freeze pop got lost in the shuffle and suddenly the girls flew off the couch as it rocked back on last time. Then the room went black and everything was silent. Unfortunately that did not last long.

"Oh frickity frickit! My Freeze pop is GONE!"

**Well there is the first chapter and the next should be out in like a day or maybe TODAY if you're lucky! I have to go to the dentist's and get another stupid spacer in my mouth cuz the other one fell out! DANG IT! I have to get braces on Friday too! DOUBLE DANG IT! And it is NOT funny Rachel! Rachel, who thinks it is completely hilarious that I have to go through the HELL that is braces like she is, just loves to laugh in my face! Oh well. I'll get my revenge!! Reviews are Great!**

**PCCC OUT HOMIES!- Mars**

**P.S. NO ONE should say that unless they have some sort of rhythm. THAT MEANS YOU RACHEL! **


	2. One Two Three SPLIT!

Chapter 2: One, Two, Three Split

Chapter 2: One, Two, Three Split!

"Oh My God." The three bewildered and somewhat rumpled girls lay flat on their backs, eyes wide. Something was amiss. Or at least, they were going crazy. Because about 5 seconds ago, they had been sitting comfortably on the couch ready to watch Pirates of the Caribbean. And now, it appeared as if they were IN IT!

"My elbow hurts like a bitchnez." Maria complained, being the first one to gather her senses and sit up. "And is it just me or are we lying on a dock, in the middle of PORT ROYAL?!"

Rachel and Jane scrambled to pull themselves up, looking around in pure and utter confuzzled-ness. They were indeed lying on a wooden platform right in the middle of a harbor, with sailors in 1800's clothing milling about, and casting odd looks at them as they passed. One guy actually winked at Jane, waggling his eyebrows suggestively. She flipped him the bird.

"Holy crap! I'm wearing a d-dress!" Rachel gasped in horror. She hated dresses. They were, in fact, her worst nightmare. "And, you guys are wearing breeches and cool ruffled shirts like Will and Jack while I'm practically buried in this crap-load of really itchy fabric!"

The girls looked down at themselves. It was true. Rachel had on a huge dress with the ugliest maroon fabric and white lace with matching shoes. Maria wore a deep red colored ruffled shirt that opened up a little at the chest to show the smallest amount of cleavage, a matching bandana tied around her head to keep back the curls, brown breeches (she thought they accentuated her butt) and brown boots. Jane wore the exact same thing except her shirt and bandana was a midnight blue and her pants and boots were black.

"This is," Jane said with awe "The most amazing crap that has ever happened to me."

Rachel looked at Jane with pity. "Really? Well your life must suck." She was silenced by a withering glance from Maria. "I mean it must be pretty uh...exciting!"

Rolling her eyes, Maria stood up, knocking Jane's legs off of her own. Dusting off her breeches, she gave a hand up for her two friends before sticking her hands on her hips.

"We're obviously stuck in the middle of POTC. And there is no immediate way out, so it appears. I guess will just have to make the best of it." Maria smiled mischievously. "So I say we split up and follow characters around when they aren't together. Oh, and I totally call Jack!"

Rachel looked like a lost puppy. "But, since I'm the one with the dress I have to make up some shitty story to get myself into the governor's household so I can trail Lizzie! I don't wanna!" She crossed her arms stubbornly.

Jane smiled. "Well too bad cuz I call Will! Even if he is the whelp." She stuck her tongue out at Rachel. "Sorry, sucka!"

Maria clapped her hands together like some stuck-up prissy British nanny. "Now, now. NO FIGHTING! We will solve this quickly and easily. We will do Rock Paper Scissors for Jack and then Will and whoever is left gets Liz."

Rachel and Jane agreed. They chanted "Rock Paper Scissors SHIT!" (their own personal version) and threw out their choices. Maria undoubtedly won Jack since both Ray and Jane threw out scissors and she threw out rock. So now it was down to the final two going for dear 'ole eunuch boy.

"Rock Paper Scissors SHIT!" They screamed. Maria covered her ears. Honestly, such foul language was not to be shouted for the whole world to hear. Unless SHE was shouting it, of course. Obviously, Jane won the game and Rachel was left to run along to Elizabeth's hu-uge mansion and act like Liz's long lost snot-faced cousin.

They agreed to meet whenever the opportunity arose. They couldn't be together for about half of the movie but they would meet eventually. For now, they would split up and go to their assigned person and stick with them NO MATTER WHAT. No one could be left behind. Or else that would suck extremely badly. They slapped hands, bumped hips, and cheered "One TWO THREE SPLIT!" Before they dashed off in 3 different directions.

**So there's chapter two readers!! I have a good idea for the next chapter that will follow Rachel around. Right now, I really want a strawberry banana smoothie! I know you probably don't care about this but…it is important to me! VERY IMPORTANT! Anyways, I just wanted to say that I would really like for you to review. Just let me know if it was good or bad, or any errors. I actually LIKE constructive criticism. I don't like the mean kind, so NO FLAMES. That's just mean! PCCC OUT PEEPS! -Mars**


	3. Pretty Princess, Stupid Eunuch

Chapter 3: Pretty Princess, Stupid Eunuch

Rachel hurried forlornly down the streets of Port Royal, cursing like a mad-hatter under her breath. This was the suckiest thing EVER! She probably wouldn't see Jack until the rescue scene! Maria and Jane got to prance around with the hottest guys the whole time while she was stuck in a corset with the prissiest girl in town! It was really one of the saddest things that had ever happened to her.

Finally finding the mansion she rushed quickly up the drive and onto the small porch. Patting down her hair and smoothing the ugly dress she was cursed to wear, she knocked deliberately on the door. Once … twice… Three times.

"Open the fucking door damn it!" Suddenly the door flew open to reveal a red-faced butler, dressed in a long gray coat and wearing a white stringy wig.

Rachel beamed innocently at him, giving him her most pitiful smile. "Oh My! I'm so sorry I arrived on such short notice! My carriage just broke down and I insisted to walk the rest of the way!" She threw in a bit of English accent to sound more convincing.

The butler raised his eyebrows. "Who are you, Miss?"

"Why, I'm Miss Rachel …Depp, Miss Elizabeth's cousin! Surely someone sent word that I was to arrive today!" Rachel gave a scandalized look. "Oh dear, now I've imposed!"

The butler pushed the door open wide and gave her a kind smile. "Oh no, I'm sure that we were informed. Please do come in. It must have slipped the Governor's mind."

"Okay!" She skipped into the huge mansion slipping off her shoes at the door way and patting the butler's arm. "Please inform my uncle and tell him I'm here. Tell him that Long lost Cousin Rachel arrived from England and she's gone up to speak to Elizabeth, will you?"

He nodded and gave her one last smile before disappearing through a doorway. Rachel watched him leave before turning and running up the stairs in a very unladylike fashion, smirking the whole time. _What a dip!_

Elizabeth's room was the first one on the left, so she recalled from the movie. She walked up to her bedroom door, pausing and putting her ear to it before knocking. She heard rushing around and the slamming of a drawer before a light voice called "Come in!"

Rachel pushed open the door, shut it quickly and locked it, before turning around to see a very shocked and rather skimpily dressed Elizabeth. She wrinkled her nose.

"Ew put some clothes on, please!" Elizabeth's jaw dropped even lower.

"Who are you? What are you doing in my house? And in my bedroom?" Rachel rolled her eyes.

"Oh chill out, princess. I'm only here for the ride!" Elizabeth looked confused. Again. Rachel sighed and walked over to Liz's bed, plopping down on the soft comforter.

"Listen, I have to tell you something. It's very important, something you can't tell anyone about."

Elizabeth nodded, expectantly. "Well what is it?"

Rachel grinned. "Can't tell you about it now. But I will explain later. For now, my name is Rachel and I am your long-lost cousin. Just go along with it, for my sake. I'm not here to hurt you or anything." She pointed to the medallion that was hidden inside Elizabeth's nightgown. "And I DO know about that, so there is no use in hiding it from me. And I also know about how you like Will, yada yada yada."

Poor Lizzie looked shocked. "You know about my medallion!? And Will Turner?" She stuttered, obviously sure she was going crazy.

"Yep. Weird, right?" She nodded. Rachel held up her pinky. "Pinky promise you won't tell about me not being your real cousin or whatever?"

Elizabeth nodded, and they squeezed pinkies. Rachel was surprised that she even knew what a pinky promise was. Guess she wasn't a dumb blonde after all. (No offense to blondes! One of my best friends is one!)

Glad to be done with the explaining for a while, Rachel hopped excitedly off the bed. "You might want to get up now. Your dad is gonna knock on your door in like 5 seconds."

Knock. Knock. "Elizabeth? Are you decent?"

Lizzie's eyebrows went sky-high. "This is impossible!"

Rachel shrugged. "Not probable." She went to open the door. "And you might want to pick your jaw off the floor. Very unattractive."

* * *

Jane did not like Will very much. In her mind, he needed a good slap to the face once in a while. He was just too stupid in the first movie! She was determined to fix that!

She skipped down the cobblestone streets of Port Royal towards Will's blacksmith shop with a sense of anticipation. Rachel was a stupid arse, but she was right about one thing. This WAS the most exciting thing that had ever happened to her. And probably for Maria too. Rachel was just a drunken retard half the time, so everything was exciting to her.

Finally reaching the shop, she didn't bother to knock on the door knowing it was pointless anyways, and barged right in. Will looked up in surprise, as she marched in, slamming the door behind her. Unsurprisingly, Brown was asleep in the chair, like usual, a rum bottle hanging from his hand.

"Who are you? What are you doing here" Will dropped his hammer (something Jane was rather grateful of; he looked less threatening that way) and walked closer to where she was standing. "Why are you wearing men's clothes?"

Jane wrinkled her nose in disgust. "Women can wear whatever we want, thank you very much! And my name is Jane, and I feel like being here, so I am, duh!"

Will looked kind of guilty. "I didn't mean it like that. Is there anything I can do for you?"

Jane nodded a bright smile lighting up her face. "Yes actually. You can let me follow you around all day, for absolutely no reason, at least not a reason known to you...for now."

She grinned again, trying to look innocent and not conniving.

"Why?" Will looked kind of suspicious, like this was a joke being played on him. "And who are you anyways?"

Jane sauntered up to him and poked him in the chest. He blinked. "My name is Jane. I come from somewhere you don't know of, but will probably be explained later. The whole damned point is that I will be following you around all day because I NEED to. Got It?"

Will looked like someone had popped his personal bubble, but nodded. "Okay. I have to make some deliveries though." He looked at her hopefully. Phhh, like a bunch of deliveries would make HER leave. She didn't even want to be trapped in this stupid movie anyway, let alone follow the whelp. There was no way she was going to be stopped by a bunch of silly stupid DELIVERIES! Emphasis on deliveries!

"I'm goin'. End of story."

"Well let's get started then." Will glanced one last time at Brown, rolled his eyes, and held the door open for her. He grabbed a long box and his coat from a hook on the wall, and walked out after her.

Jane hooked her arm in his, as they walked, whistling happily. Finally, they were getting somewhere. _Now, _she thought, _What's Maria up to?_

* * *

**K, so here it is, the 3****rd**** chapter! Maria will be next with Jack, but I figured that I'll save that for another chapter because that part will be so long. Thanks to the people who reviewed! I appreciate it! Remember REVIEWS MAKE THE WORLD GO ROUND! **

**I'm gonna got eat lunch now! PCCC OUT!! -Mars**


	4. Such a Pretty Boat! Oh yes!

Chapter 4: Such a Pretty Boat!

Maria walked amiably down the dock, heading towards the spot where Jack made his brilliant, yet slightly pathetic entrance. She was thrilled about the fact that she got to stick with Jack the WHOLE time. She didn't favor Will or Jack more than the other, but Jack always seemed to have the most fun. And BOY DID SHE LOOOOVVVEE FUN!

Whistling, she finally found the right dock and strode all the way down to the end of it. There was no Jack in sight. She stood there for a good minute before getting bored and deciding to see if she had any cool weapons hidden on her person. After all, she WAS wearing super piratey clothing, so there had to be SUPER MEGA piratey weapons!

She reached into her boot, feeling around for something, anything that could mean a small dagger, but instead she fingered a small, round cloth covered object. After standing up again and flipping the bird at some sailor that was checking out her ass, she unwrapped it slowly, wondering what the heck it could be. To her surprise and awestruck amazement, it was a compass and it was pointing straight at the horizon. The horizon was NOT North. But, when she looked up Jack was about 200 hundred feet away on a rapidly sinking makeshift boat. It did not take Maria long to realize that this compass was EXACTLY like the one that Jack had.

Maria was still slightly confused as to why she had such compass, as Jack sailed, er… sank closer and closer but she quickly rewrapped it, taking care to secure it in her pocket before he could see it. Soon Jack was stepping up onto the dock, giving her the once-over but quickly strolling away. Of course the stupid, no-brained Harbormaster called out to him before he could get any farther.

"What? Hey! Hold up, there, you. It's a shilling to tie up your boat at the dock." He glanced at the "boat" and continued. "And I shall need to know your name."

Jack held up three shillings waving them tauntingly. "What d'ye say to three shillings and we forget the name altogether?" The Harbormaster, being the greedy conniving little pig he was quickly snatched the money and nodded.

"Welcome to Port Royal Mr. Smith." Jack turned and walked away, rolling his eyes and snatching the man's money pouch when he turned away. Maria swore she heard him mutter "jack ass" under his breath. Maria almost giggled, but restrained herself, seeing as she was not a fangirl and giggling was for retards. Instead she raced after Jack as he made his way down the dock, running in front of him, causing him to halt in his leathery steps. Upon looking into his kohl rimmed eyes, she almost died, but managed to keep herself standing upright. She glanced around, trying to buy time and remember what it was exactly that she was going to say.

"Uh…umm...Waz up dawg?"

* * *

"Jesus Christ OUR LORD IN HEAVEN!" Rachel heaved, digging her nails into the French room divider. Elizabeth gave her a reassuring smile as her maid; Bonnie proceeded to tighten the strings on Rachel's corset. Hers had already been laced up and Ray could tell she was already struggling to breathe because her voice was sort of raspy, like Satine's voice in Moulin Rouge when she's trying to seduce the penniless writer, Christian. Rachel on the other hand, was still planning on being able to breathe and was about to throw a right hook into Bonnie's smug little face.

"I am so beating up Maria when I see her again. That little mofo got me stuck in a corset! What ever happened to best friends for life?" She heaved, again, for about the 11th time since Bon Bon had started lacing her up. With one last, agonizing pull she finished and walked smugly away to get the dress the Governor had brought up for her to. _Where _she wondered _did that guy get all these fancy dresses? _And then a thought came to mind and she shuddered. The private lives of some people were not to be pondered.

It didn't matter anyways. She was still stuck here, about to be squashed inside a huge dress while her organs were screaming for air. _Oh poor liver, I'm sorry you're suffering so!_ She needed something to get the pain out of her mind. And then suddenly, she had a brilliant idea. Something that would help the plot along. She could be helpful and kind once in a great while, couldn't she?

"Hey Elizabeth, whatever happens, don't reply to Norrington when he proposes. I know you'll probably want to say no, I mean DUH! but really just don't say anything okay?"

Liz's eyes widened at the fact that Norrington was going to propose, but she set her mouth in a grim line.

"I suppose I won't. I highly doubt I'll be able to talk at all by the time we get to the ceremony. This corset is rather constricting."

"Tell me about it!" Rachel grunted. "This thing hurts like a bizetch and I've only been wearing it for 3 minutes." She slipped on her powder blue shoes that were meant to go with the new dress she was decked in, as Bonnie slipped a string of pearls around her neck. Finally, after what seemed like a bazillion hours of preparation for some lame-ass ceremony that nobody cared about anyways, Rachel and Elizabeth were pushed out of the bedroom and began to make their way down the stairs, stepping "lightly" as stupid Bonnie had suggested. What a bitch!

As they started down the stairs Elizabeth suddenly gasped, obviously excited. There were Will and Jane standing with the Governor and the stringy-wigged servant. Jane was looking extremely pissed, probably because Will broke the sconce and she was still fuming over what a moron he was, and Will had just finished presenting the Governor with the sword he ordered.

Jane looked up when she heard Elizabeth gasp and suddenly the pissy look vanished from her face. Finally, a normal person! Rachel grinned back at one of her best friends and skipped the rest of the way down the stairs. Stupid Bonnie could go to hell!

"Will! It's soo good to see you! I had a dream about you last night." Rachel rolled her eyes as she skipped over to Jane. Honestly, Elizabeth wasn't really that bad, but she could lay off on the "come on baby, it was a wet dream!" attitude.

Meanwhile Will looked surprised, his brown eyebrows shooting up. "About me?" Jane leaned over and whispered into Ray's ear. " What a dip. I couldn't even stop him from breaking the sconce off the wall!" Rachel leaned over and muttered. "He may be a dip, but he sure is fine in person."

Jane rolled her eyes. Expect Rachel to stare at the body and not think about the brains. Will wasn't really dumb, he just wasn't…experienced. And until he got that, Jane was still a little iffy about him.

"Yes, well, is that entirely proper for you to?" Governor Swann stuttered looking quite flustered and scandalized for his daughter. Honestly, dreams about hot guys named Will that look ironically like the famous Orlando Bloom? Such madness! The conversation continued.

"About the day we met, do you remember?" insert batting of eyes

"How could I forget Miss Swann." insert Rachel, doubling over and pretending to puke

Rachel leaned over again and whispered in Jane's ear. "Jeez, this is the worst most sappiest conversation ever, and its not even a half an hour into the freaking movie. I don't know if I'll survive. Maria has got to be here. She'd love it but like to puke along with us." Jane nodded.

"I know. Gosh, how will I survive!?" Rachel agreed, knowing Jane hated romantic scenes with a fiery passion. She just wasn't that type of girl. Unless, of course, the romance was happening to her. Selfish child.

"Will, how many times must I ask you to call me Elizabeth?"

"At least once more Miss Swan." Rachel rolled her eyes, as Elizabeth frowned. Was the girl blind? Will was just trying to get on her father's good side!

"There! See? At least the boy has a sense of propriety. Now, we really must be going!!" Governor Swann practically chucked a parasol at Elizabeth's head, as he beckoned them out the door. "There you are!"

Jane held her breath to suppress a giggle as Rachel sighed and accepted a parasol from Governor Swann. Poor girl, stuck in a corset and ugly shoes. At least she had an excuse to fall off the wall.

Elizabeth frowned as she stalked out of the door. "Good Day Mr. Turner." She mumbled as Jane and Will trailed them out the door and the servant closed it behind them.

Jane waved and grinned at Rachel as she tried to climb into the carriage, tripped over her dress and almost landed a face full of mud. Rachel flipped her to bird, and then cringed when Governor Swann noticed and gasped. Oops.

Only Jane could hear as Will muttered "Good day," and then in an even quieter more pitiful sounding voice that almost made her feel bad. "Elizabeth."

* * *

"So you're tellin' me that you, a girl dressed in pirate's attire, are plannin' to follow ME around because of some reason that you won't tell ME yet?"

Jack and Maria were still in the same position except for the fact that Jack's head was cocked to the side like a confused puppy and Maria was quite annoyed and tapping the toe of her boot impatiently.

"Yes!"

"And this won't affect me plans in any way? How do you know so much about me? I haven't even told you my name and your referring to me as an old friend!"

"Jack, I already bloody told you that I know these things but I can't tell you until we are somewhere where our conversation won't be compromised! You're a pirate, you should know the importance of such things!! And no, this won't affect your plans! I just need to stick with you for awhile okay!?"

Jack still looked a bit iffy, and slightly suspicious but he nodded anyway. "Fine, just don't get in me way or else your fired from your post!"

"My post?"

"I don't know mate. All my good threats have been used up."

"Ohh…I know how that feels."

They continued down the dock, finally, with Maria more then a little annoyed, and Jack scouting the area for a nice little boat… err ship, to commandeer. They came upon Murtogg and Mullroy who were standing guard near the Interceptor.

Murtogg spotted them immediately as he always does and shouted. "This deck is off limits to civilians!"

Maria got right up in his face, her annoyment level increasing, and shouted back "Tone it down a little buddy, my head is throbbing!" before backing away and messaging her temples. Jack watched with a look of admiration before smiling convincingly, (except for the gold cap on his tooth and a few rotten looking molars) and saying "I'm terribly sorry! She's having her woman time, and sometimes loud noises upset her. If we see one we shall inform you immediately!"

He attempted to step away, but was again blocked by the two stocky soldiers. At least Mullroy was stocky. It was obvious that his mother fed him the 1800's version of Chunky for lunch.

Jack panicked but regained his composure. "Apparently there's something high-toned and fancy to do up at the fort, eh? How could it be that two upstanding gentlemen like yourselves did not merit an invitation?" Mullroy looked wounded, and Maria snorted.

"Face it, you guys sucked, so you didn't get an invitation to Norrie's little 'ole shindig!" She grinned evilly. These guys always pissed her off in the first movie!

"Well someone has to make sure this dock stays off limits to civilians!" Murtogg said, indignant.

"It's a fine goal to be sure but it seems to me that a ship like that," Jack pointed to the Dauntless, "makes this one here a bit superfluous, really."

Maria yawned. This conversation bored her to death already. She tugged on a curl of hair and sniffed it. Oh yeah, Herbal Essence was sooo divine.

"Oh the Dauntless is the power of these waters, true enough, but there's no ship as can match the Interceptor for speed. "

"I've heard of one, supposed to be very fast, nigh un-catchable; the Black Pearl." Jack, of course knew his boats err… ships and was ready for a nice banter.

Mullroy sniffed. "Well there's no real ship as can match the Interceptor."

"You half-wit, the Black Pearl IS real!" Maria snorted from where she was leaning against the wall. Mullroy looked at her, disgusted.

"Uh, no, no it's not!"

"Yes it is!" Murtogg spouted. Jack looked at them and sighed. This conversation was starting to bore him too.

"No, no, it's not!"

"Yes, it is, I've seen it!"

"You've seen it?"

"Yes."

"You haven't seen it."

"Yes, I have!" Maria looked at Jack. Jack nodded toward the Interceptor. She nodded and glanced toward her hand motioning a countdown. He half-grinned but then stopped and tried to appear interested when Murtogg glanced at him, and nodded encouragingly.

"You've seen a ship with black sails, that's crewed by the damned and captained by a man so evil that Hell itself spat him back out?"

UGH!

"No."

3…

"No?"

2…

"But I have seen a ship with black sails."

1…

Maria and Jack kept nodding quietly, while stepping backwards slowly until there was a free path to the Interceptor. Maria could practically hear Jack's thoughts. _Oh yes, who's a pretty boat? You are! a_s the raced up the gangplank and onto the ship. She leaned comfortably against the rail and watched Jack play with the wheel; only a little sound from Murtogg and Mullroy's banter reaching her ears. God, those two were so moronic it was depressing.

"Hey! You two, get away from there!" Maria guffawed. She was not one to be ordered around. And neither was Jack, seeing as he made no move to "get away from there".

Murtogg and Mullroy, no doubt, remembered their jobs, and bomb-rushed the ship, yelling "You don't have permission to be aboard there, mate!"

Jack was not to be deterred. "We're sorry, its just-it's just such a pretty boat. Ship." Maria walked up behind them.

"Oh yes. It's fricking gorgeous." She muttered. God, this had to be the most boring part of the movie. Retards like them completely ruined her day.

"What are your names?" Murtogg demanded, and Maria crossed her arms.

"He's Smith. Or Smithy if you like, and I am Maria Angelica Depp. You'll be callin' me Miss Depp, if you like your tongues inside your mouths." She glared, even though her threat was completely empty. Honestly, she was weaponless as far as she knew.

Mullroy looked slightly afraid, while Murtogg winced. "What's your purpose in Port Royal, Mr. Smith and uhh…Miss Depp?"

"Yeah and no lies!" Maria frowned., but Jack took this as an opportunity to be truthful.

He held out his arms. "Well, then, I confess it is my intention to commandeer one of these ships, pick up a crew in Tortuga, raid, pillage, plunder, and otherwise pilfer my weasely black guts out!" Maria grinned. She loved that line. Finally, things were starting to look up!

Murtogg wasn't buying it, "I said no lies!" He puckered his lips like a whiny baby, and Maria half-expected him to stomp his foot. Jeez, the guy really needed to come off his binky.

"I think he's telling the truth."

"If he were telling the truth, he wouldn't have told us!"

Jack spoke up. "Unless, of course, he knew you wouldn't believe the truth even if he told it to you."

"See, I told you he was telling the truth, wait…what?" Mullroy looked dreadfully confused, and Maria decided it was time to drop this dud of a conversation subject and start a new one.

"Eh Jack, you should tell these brave soldiers the story of the cannibals and how you managed to trick yourself out of a terrible and painful death." She winked at him out of the corner of her eye, and he nodded.

"Ah yes. Well gents, one day I found me-self on an Island somewhere in the Pacific…"

* * *

Rachel and Elizabeth found themselves on top of the battlements of the Fort, struggling for air and, more in Rachel's general speech, swearing every 5 seconds. The ceremony had been a huge crapload of large, boring words, and ugly wigged men, while they stood in the sun, fanning themselves with fans, that probably weren't made in China and therefore did their job of fanning badly. Now, the girls were barely holding onto their lives as their corsets drained the air out of the ribs and made them look like anorexics.

"Must, gasp, get, gasp, out of this, gasp, CORSET!" Elizabeth gasped leaning against the battlement and fanning herself wildly. Rachel, who always took dramatic to another level, was sitting on the ground in a very unladylike fashion and trying to pull her dress over her head. You can imagine the stares, and gasps of "scandalous behavior from such a pretty young woman!" from the people nearby, who, very ironically, couldn't take their eyes off of Rachel's undergarments.

"This, my dear Liz, is the most fucked up, retarded shitload of a garment that I have EVER had to wear in my life!" Elizabeth, who was already much used to Rachel's swearing, nodded and swallowed hard.

"I hear ya sister." Apparently she was starting to use Rachel's lingo as well.

"Unh, excuse me ladies, but I'd like a moment with you Elizabeth." Norrington's voice scared the crap out of Rachel, who had almost succeeded in undoing the many buttons on the back of her dress and she yelped, pulling the dress back down again.

"Yes, well, my dear cousin here must not leave my side, so you may say what you've come to tell me in her presence." Rachel gave her "cousin" a thumbs up in her mind, and stood up, walking away with the two. She laughed inwardly when she noticed Norrie's twitching fingers. _Haha what a loser!_

She stood next to Elizabeth who was steadying herself on a wall, and blows a puff of air out of the side of her mouth, flicking a piece of hair out of her eye. Poor Norrington looked like he was about to have a nervous breakdown.

Uh, you looked lovely, Elizabeth" he started, and then plunged right in. "I, uh, apologize if I seem forward, but I must speak my mind. This promotion throws into sharp relief that which I have not yet achieved. Uh, a marriage to a fine woman. You have become a fine woman Elizabeth."

Rachel gagged and then inhaled sharply. Ugh, there was absolutely no leeway in this hellhole of a dress. Meanwhile Elizabeth gasped. Again.

"I-I can't breathe." Rachel looked at her in alarm. Oh crap.

"Yes I-I'm a bit nervous myself." Elizabeth started to tip over the edge of the battlement in a faint, and Rachel reached out to grab her sleeve. She managed to yank on some useless lace but with Elizabeth's dead weight and her dress, she was pulled over the side, as well, screaming blood murder.

"OOOOOHHHHHHH SHHHHHHHIIIIITTTTTT!!"

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**So there you have it!! The fourth chapter in all its shining glory. Sorry it took me a while, but I've been busy, and I probably won't update for a bit because I have a retreat to go to next week!! YAY RETREAT!! Anyways, read and review because reviews make the world go round!! **

**Xoxox Marsss**


	5. Razor Boy and Brad Pitt

Chapter 5: Razor Boy and Brad Pitt

AN: **Sorry I haven't updated in a while but my parents deleted everything off my computer including this story, so I had to rewrite this chapter all over again! They suck! But anyways, hope you enjoy it!**

"And then they made me their chief!" Jack declared rather enthusiastically. Maria, who had been examining her cuticles while Jack proceeded to fabricate some loony tale about the Pineapple People of Tomato Island, looked up. She had no idea what pineappples had to do with tomatoes or the other way around but Murtogg and Mullroy seemed to be buying it so she didn't say anything.

Suddenly, and with perfect timing, Elizabeth's fashionably dressed body flew past them and hit the water with a rather painful sounding smack. She was followed by Rachel, who was screaming bloody murder and cursing like a sailor before she too hit the water, and her scream was cut off. Maria winced. Rachel could swim but the humongous dress she was wearing would probably drown her; she would never let her and Jane live it down.

"So, which one of you dipsticks plan on saving them?" Maria turned towards them with a smirk. "'Cause I definitely ain't" She grinned inwardly at her bad grammar. Her English teacher couldn't put an F on that one! She could already hear him screaming in agony somewhere in the present begging her to take her sentence back.

"Well, I can't swim." Mullroy offered, glancing between Jack and Maria. Jack rolled his eyes and Maria sighed in pity. Honestly, who would hire a soldier who couldn't swim? Whoever had put them to work had obviously flown off his rocker.

"Pride of the King's Navy you are." Jack sighed before pulling off his guns and effects and handing them to Mullroy. He turned to Maria. "Don't let them lose those alright, darlin'?"

She nodded and he turned and dove off the dock, straight into the water, leaving the guards and Maria in silence. She decided not to waste the opportunity and glared at them with a you-guys-are-such-losers-that-you-probably-still-live-with-your-moms face, one she normally used with her science teacher. They shrank away, huddling closer together if possible, and Maria rolled her eyes. _They are so gay together._

"Grab the girl lass, I'm going back for the other one!"Jack suddenly appeared in the water, lugging an unconscious Rachel. Maria pulled her friend up on dock and Jack disappeared underwater again. Maria yanked a dagger from Mullroy, and sliced through Rachel's dress and corset. The second she pulled them off Rachel woke up coughing up water all over the place and swearing, unsurprisingly enough.

"I never want to ever, EVER have to experience that again, or so help me God I will fricking flip a sh-" SMACK! Maria slapped her friend hard across the face. Rachel's mouth opened and closed in shock for about ten seconds before she sat up and massaged her temples.

"I needed that, didn't I?"

"Yes, you did." Rachel nodded at Maria, who was wiping saltwater/saliva off her chin. They both stood up as Jack reappeared again, dumping Elizabeth's scrawny pale body onto the dock. Maria tossed him the dagger and he took it without a word, slicing open her corset. She reacted the same way as Rachel, sputtering up water, except it was Jack who got bombed in the face with her saliva instead of Maria, who dodged it with a grin.

"Darn it! I really thought the corset trick wouldn't work this time." Rachel muttered under breath. Maria rolled her eyes. "You know it always does, or else there wouldn't be a movie, smart one!"

Rachel frowned. "I know." She brightened again. "But I'm gonna keep hope ALIVE!" She pumped a defiant fist in the air. Maria sighed. All of this Elizabeth nonsense bored her.

Jack, meanwhile, was staring mesmorized at Elizabeth's chest where the medallion appeared to be almost glowing. Murtogg and Mullroy were discussing prices for boat rides to Singapore in whispers when suddenly Norrington's sword was suddenly glinting directly under Jack's chin.

"On your feet!" He demanded, looking rather flustered and quite angry. Another sword appeared under Maria's chin and she stood up defiantly. It was the man clothes. They had done her in.

"Watch where you poke that thing razor boy!" She muttered at Gillette and she heard Rachel mumble "Kinky!" under her breath. She flashed her friend a sly grin and winked at Norrington's right hand homie, who's cheeks burned pink in obvious embarrassment at her innuendo. Rachel laughed then tried to act solemn as some of Norrington's men rushed to surround her with a wall of safety. As if she needed it. Her mother hadn't made her take karate for 9 years without a reason! But, she realized it wasn't so bad when she noticed one of the soldiers, who happened to look strikingly like Brad Pitt, was checking her out.

"Are you alright?" Gov'na Swann bellowed as he helped his soaking wet daughter up. His face held a look of panic as Elizabeth assured him that she was fine. He then proceeded to look up at Murtogg and noticed him holding his daughter's precious torture device, and gasped. Murtogg pointed at Jack with a loyal he-did-it face.

"Shoot HIM!" The governor commanded and Rachel almost karate chopped through her wall of hot soldiers to shout a dramatic NOOOOO!!!! Unfortunately, Lizzie in all her moral and just glory, beat her to it, and Rachel stepped back to pout. Could she ever have her one moment of justice? Apparently not.

"Father, Commodore, do you really intend to kill our rescuer?" She stepped back to reveal Rachel, who in turn started to shiver in the almost non-existent breeze. Maria rolled her eyes and then scowled as another soldier's bayonet poked her in the arm.

"Watch it buddy, you can't buy these on ebay." She made a gesture at her chest and the soldier backed away. "I may look like a man but that doesn't mean I don't got the goods." Jack, who appeared to have heard their one-sided conversation glanced out of the corner of his eye at Maria and she smiled sweetly...while flipping him the bird. There was no way that guy was gettin' in her pants. He looked like he made of of AIDS.

Meanwhile, Jack was explaining the reason why is ship was an absentee. "I'm in the market as it were." he said, glancing shiftily around. Murtogg looked like he was about to burst as he tattled

"He said he'd come to commandeer one!"

"Told ya he was tellin' the truth."

"Oh shut up, the both of you!" Suddenly everyone turned to look at Maria as if truly noticing her for the first time. Everyone, except Gillette and the other guy.

"Who are you?" Governor Swann said confusedly at Maria and she gulped. Uh, who was she again?

"The name's Maria ...Maria Ambrosia Morgan!" She cringed at using the name of some wack, anorexic Vicki Secret underwear model (well of them modeled underwear, didn't they?), but that was the first thing that came to mind.

"Lies! Bloody blasphemy!" Mullroy shouted, scaring the crap outta them all. "You said your name was Maria Angelica Deep! Or Death or something..." He let his voice trail off into nothing as he noticed the wicked Doom-On-You glare Maria was firing his way.

"It's Depp, lard-bucket, if you had half a brain you'd get it right. Now shut up before I castrate you!" All the men in the surrounding area gasped, and a few were unable to shield their groin areas in shear terror. Who knew a woman was capable of such horrible acts? Gillette cringed and took the shock silently, though he stepped back aways, twitching violently.

"That's enough!" Gov'na Swan shouted his face purple with rage and embarrassment. Maria snickered, knowing that castrating him was probably not necessary. " Now, somebody had better tell me who this man is, or else I will personally watch you all hang at dawn!"

Maria faked a gasp and rolled her eyes, sticking her tongue out at Elizabeth who was still blinking in amazement at the castration comment. How prude.

"Stop it! " The governor exploded, wagging a chubby finger in Maria's face. "I'll have no more of your smart aleck comments!"

"Hey now!!! Come on, my good friends, can't we all just hold hands around the campfire and singsome lame-ass song that everyone hates?" Everyone turned at the same time to scream "SHUT UP!!" leaving Rachel quivering quietly against Brad Pitt or whatever the hot soldier guy's name was. Everyone but Norrington. Instead he looked at Jack evilly, a sly glint in his eye.

"This lovely lady is right!" He thrust out a hand in the general direction of Jack "Truce?"

Before Maria could scream DON"T DO IT!, Jack stuck his hand out, grinning like a Cheshire cat.

"Stupid, Stupid, Stupid!" Maria slapped her forehead repeatedly, wishing that all the pathetic retards surrounding her would poof into thin air and maybe a little pixie dust for added Disney affect.

"AH HA!" Norrington somehow managed to laugh gleefully and sound like a loser at the same time. " Jack Sparrow!" He practically giggled, as he shoved up Jack's sleeve and began examining Jack's arm, speculatively.

"Oh and these are his as well!" Mullroy handed him Jack's effects and Norry pored over them, muttering "No additional shots nor powder. A compass that doesn't point North." He unsheathed Jack's sword, snorting unattractively. "And I half expected it to be made of wood! You are, without a doubt, the most worst pirate I have ever heard of."

"I know something else that's made of wood." Rachel muttered under her breath, and Maria threw an appreciative glance at her BFF. Always such perfect timing.

Gillette and the other random staring guy, hauled her and Jack along, fastening chains tightly around their wrists. Maria kneed the other guy hard enough to make him loosen hers a bit; she was not in the mood to chafe. Rachel watched, her emotions torn as her bestfriend was put in chains. What she would give to be chained into a cell with Jack Sparrow! But now, as Maria was practically about to be hauled away to jail, she felt like falling to her knees and begging for Gov'na's forgiveness! What a vile, pudgy man! Fortunately, no one would be going to jail at that moment, as Gillette finally let go off Jack.

"Finally!" Jack mumbled, before wheeling around to throw his chains around Liz's pale, anorexic-looking neck. Maria, always thinking on her feet, searched the group for the best possible victim, before throwing her chains around the Random Staring Guy's neck. He smirked at her then, and she left herself a mental note to shoot him in the balls whenever she saw him again.

Governor Swan nearly had a heart attack, screaming, "No! Don't shoot!" as bunch of soldiers wielded their guns in Jack and Maria's direction. Jack, totally enjoying this moment, grinned slightly.

"I knew you'd warm up to me. Commodore Norrington, my effects please, and my hat! Commodore!" He glanced down at Elizabeth, who scowled pathetically back. "Elizabeth. It's Elizabeth, isn't it?"

Norry sped things up, handing Lizzie Jack's effects and she quickly and spitefully, put them on wincing as his all too curious eyes roved her wet dress. How perverted of him to undress a lady with his mind! Liz did not doubt that he hadn't done it before.

But apparently, Jack did not plan on mentally undressing Lizzie very long, because as soon as his perfectly worn tri-corn hat was set in place, he grabbed Maria around the waist and swung around landing on a beam above them. All heck broke loose below and the soldiers clambered for the guns, and shouted uselessly at each other. Rachel, however could only watch in pure admiration as her best friend and her latest obsession escaped. She sighed dreamily_. _

_Such nice biceps.....I wonder if he'll let me braid his hair later....._

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**_AN: And there you have it folks. The 5th bloody chapter that took me all night to write! I'm just happy that it's Christmas Eve though! YAY! Later i'm gonna make gingerbread men! Review and i'll possibly save a few just for you. Love you guys and MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! :]_**


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